Life In Prison

Prison Dreams

Jessica Shares Her Dream

Recently I was helping a staff member prepare for children’s day a while back and said that I really wish people wouldn’t steal, it’s disappointing.  Some of the supplies that we use with the children came up missing and it just seemed sad to me that someone would steal things we use for the kids. The teacher smiled and said, “We try to get the judges to send only the honest upstanding citizens here, but we haven’t been able to get that worked out yet.” I guess my comment was a bit silly considering where we are:) But it does give me the opportunity to see the good in others. I guess that being here I realize that most people are good, even here.  A few days ago my neighbor came back from the workout barn with a fleece jacket that she found, she knocked on my door and asked if I would help her find its owner. Fleece jackets are a hot item in prison, especially as the weather cools because they cost around $30 which is like $300 in prison currency.  The coat didn’t have a name written on it, so it would have been an easy hustle for my neighbor. She told me she knew that she could trust me to help her find the owner and that made me feel really good. Honesty is such a valuable quality, even in prison.

Last night as I talked with my roommate she said she had been thinking a lot about her son.  “Why didn’t I go swimming with him?  We went on a vacation not too long before I came to prison and all he wanted me to do was go swimming with him.” She teared up and continued, “That’s all he wanted, and I wouldn’t do it because I was worried that I looked fat in a swimsuit, I was so stupid! Why was I such a jerk about something that meant so much to him?” It really is the little things you miss the most in prison, and in some cases regret the most. Of course you miss the luxuries, Like being treated with kindness, and the colors and beauty life offers but as for me, I miss taking care of my family more than anything. I miss being there for my children for whatever they want or need because it’s really not the big things that matter most. Chad asked little CJ what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said, “The thing I want most Santa Claus probably can’t bring me.” Chad explained that Santa has been doing this for a long time and you never know what magic Santa can make happen. She said,

“You should know what I want then Dad.  I just want my Mom.”

A while before the trial, (the trial that I didn’t get to have) my son Jackson came to me and asked if I would help him get a job. We opted for a paper route that required both of us to get up very early in the morning or middle of the night and fold newspapers and then deliver them to homes in our area. It was a pretty tough job for several reasons.  The early hours were tough but it was even harder to read the house numbers to determine who received papers and who didn’t.  Some of the streets were listed inaccurately on the map application that we used so when we calculated the gas used driving to fold papers and the time it took to get them delivered it was a break even venture at best.  But I am so grateful now that I spent that time with him. After a few weeks of getting no sleep, and spending more in gas than he would make at the paper route, I asked Jackson if it would be ok if I just helped him buy the new shoes that he wanted and we quit the paper route. He said, “Mom, I want to save enough money to get you out of jail if they put you in there.”  That boy brought me to tears that day, a tender moment for sure. Little did we know that a few months later the government would have me jailed for a mental evaluation, and not release me until I plead guilty.

Jessica’s Dream

I met a new girl from Utah a few weeks ago, Her name is Jessica and she has beautiful brown curly hair. She is part Hispanic and was baptized Mormon when she was young. Jessica told me that she only went to church a few times, but that she keeps having dreams that she’s a little girl with her nappy, curly, hair walking up to the podium at church in her white dress to bear her testimony.”

Jessica has been through alot in her life, she lost her son in a tragic car accident and was diagnosed with cancer both while incarcerated. She has been attending church the last few weeks and has been able to receive Priesthood blessings that have brought her comfort.  Last week in church she shared a dream that she had after her son passed away. She told us that he was a little boy again but dressed in a white robe. A man in a white robe was holding his hand and I knew it was Jesus taking care of my son. This morning while doing laundry, Jessica came up to me and said, “Hi Momma, I’ve been trying to find you all morning. I keep having the same dream  and it’s about you.

Last night, I woke up then went back to sleep three different times and had the same dream about you. I asked her to tell me about the dream a little later.  After lunch I found her and we sat down outside on a bench and she told me this, “In my dream you were really cold and sick.

You were so tired and afraid and couldn’t walk but no one would help you. Then you were at a park talking to an old woman and you didn’t want to go but you needed to leave.” She said, “You were so tired Portia and so sick, I tried to carry you and finally an ambulance came and picked you up.” I thought, “Wow, that sounds like what happened to me when I was being held for my mental evaluation.” I thanked her for telling me about her dream and started to walk away then Jessica said, “Portia, The old woman’s name is important, she wants you to know what it is. She kept telling you her name over and over in the dream.” Then she told me the name and it immediately brought tears to my eyes. The name was a key word that was a direct answer to my prayers. I am so grateful for the simple way our Father in Heaven works! He cares about each one of us in a very personal way and will never leave us alone.

I have been praying to know what my Father in Heaven would have me do in regard to my legal predicament.  I have talked to more than one attorney who think what the prosecutors and county jail did to me was illegal. That being said, I have some options to address the misconduct and I really want to make the right decision and I would appreciate your prayers on my behalf. I thank you for sharing my story with others.  Some of the legal support that has come my way has come through people reading my blog and wanting to help. Thank you, it is a great blessing to have your support. Sharing our story will hopefully bring the truth to light.

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