Silence is hard to come by here. I woke up at 4:30 AM, and decided to stay awake because I wanted to enjoy the silence. The words: “Be still and know that I am God”, came to mind and I was grateful for the peace I felt in that moment. There was a cool fall breeze as I walked around the track. The sky was blue, and the trees, and birds seemed to be dancing with color. I said a simple prayer, and thanked my Father in Heaven for the beauty I was witnessing. My thoughts turned to my husband, and I felt a special love and appreciation for this man whose presence in my life has been so meaningful. It was a perfect moment, and I knew that everything is as it should be. As I walked, my feelings became more intense, and I could almost feel my husband walking with me. I looked at the grass and trees, and noticed how everything works in perfect balance. I walked slowly, and paid attention to every detail, soaking in the moment without worry, or distress. My thoughts went back to Chad, and everything seemed so vivid. I felt like our spirits were connected even though our bodies weren’t.
My children are always at the forethought of my mind, and the joy and love I felt for them was overwhelming. I could almost feel little CJ’s hand in mine, and could hear her giggles, one of my favorite sounds. I felt complete and total love for this little person that I helped create. I didn’t try to think, and felt like I was observing my own thoughts, and was present for something beautiful. I allowed each thought and feeling to pass on it’s own, and didn’t try to hold onto what I was experiencing. I thought about each of my kids; but when I perceived Shelby’s spirit I felt a strong presence of grace and dignity. In that moment I felt honored to be her mother. Each of them were so full of light and potential; they were indescribably brilliant, and magnificent. I wondered why I hadn’t ever paid attention to who they really are? Now I know how small my understanding is, and how much we are worth to our Father in Heaven.
A few weeks ago I sat under a tree in the rec yard and reached out to My heavenly Father with a heartfelt prayer telling Him that just like the woman who touched the garment of the Savior’s robe I believed that He could make me whole; that I had faith to be healed. I said: “Father, I am willing to let go of everything I am. I don’t have much to give; but everything I thought I was, and everything I wanted to be is yours if you will have it.” I told Him that I wanted to be a new woman. “I know You love me, and I believe in miracles, please heal me.” I can’t tell you everything changed in an instant but my willingness to be present for each moment, and live in a place of acceptance and understanding has increased. I have a different kind of peace and joy that is sweet and lasting, and the connection I feel to my family has become a constant blessing. I have a new level of patience, and see the beauty in simple things. I want you to know that I know that God lives. He answered the humble prayer of one of His daughters in Federal prison, and He loves us in an infinitely more perfect way than we are capable of understanding. Our experiences in this life are designed perfectly for our benefit because He wants us to become the amazing people that we are designed to be. This I know to be true, and I thank you all for following along.