This is my third Christmas in prison, and I don’t really have words for how I feel. I haven’t been writing much lately, but I want you all to know that your support, and kindness, have been a lifeline. Many times Chad has sent me a comment or thought from one of you, and it’s given me strength to keep going. I also want you to know that I love our Savior Jesus Christ, I know that He lives. I am a woman who has been healed by the power of His Atonement.
I want the people who brought plane tickets to our house on Christmas Eve, and made it possible for my family to come visit, how grateful I am. I am extremely humbled by your gift. It was an answer to a heartfelt prayer that I offered yesterday morning, and qualifies as a miracle to me. Chad emailed me this morning, and told me about the gift and when I read the email I sat at the computer and wept. I tear up every time I think about it. I write a letter to each of my children every year, and Chad gives it to them on Christmas morning. It might seem like a simple thing, but it’s the only thing I can give them from here, so I put a lot of thought into what I want to say. I would like to share the letter I wrote to CJ this year, and hope you will feel the special spirit I have felt during this Holliday season. Merry Christmas friends
What a special girl you are, you’re the glue that holds us all together. You’ve grown up this year, and you’re going to keep growing (even though I told you not to grow up anymore:) My heart used to hurt a lot because I wasn’t home with you; but I feel really close to you all the time now, and that makes me feel a lot better. I’m so proud of the strong, brave, amazing girl you’ve become. You’re very smart, you do a good job of figuring things out on your own. This is going to be such a good year for our family! It’s exciting that you’re moving to a new house, and dad told me that someone from our neighborhood gave our family plane tickets last night, so you can come and see me. I’m so happy! I can’t wait to give you the biggest hug. Thank you for drawing pictures for me and Sonia; I love to get your art work, it makes me feel special. I hope this has been a good Christmas for you.
I wanted to tell you something that you probably didn’t know. I wasn’t very happy before you were born CJ. I was scared that I had made too many mistakes, and maybe heavenly Father wouldn’t forgive me. After you were born it took a little while, but I started to feel happier, you made things a lot better for me, and for our family. I didn’t know that I could turn to Heavenly Father, and that He would give me a new heart; that He could change my life. I should have known that because I went to church, but I didn’t really believe it would work for me. I was too scared. I thought I had to keep trying to be good on my own. Now I know that Heavenly Father was always there. He was there the day you were born, He was there in your smile, He was there protecting you from bad things happening, and He is with me now. he is always there, and He is helping me get better on the inside. I have more room to love you now, and my heart is filled with gratitude for that today. Thank you for being the face of our Father in heaven for me, your a special girl, and your heart is right next to mine.