This morning as I walked around the track it seemed so dreary. It’s a dirt track that is dry and uneven with lots of weeds. It seemed darker than usual at 6:30 am and cold enough that I kept my sweat shirt on. Once I got moving at a descent pace I started to warm up. I was listening to my mp3 player and had just downloaded my favorite primary song, “A Childs Prayer.” The music was beautiful and I felt a calm come over me. As the sun rose and lit the sky and the world around me, everything became filled with light and beautiful! I felt the spirit from my head to my toes and thought, It is glorious!” The power that created the sun, the moon and the stars is the power available to heal us. It was a sacred experience as I watched the sun light the world around me and change the dark and dreary field into a warm, inviting, sweet, comforting place to be. I stopped to feel the sun on my face and felt such joy and gratitude. It reminded me that our all Powerful God loves us, that he gave his son to heal us.
This morning as I thought back to a different time and place I offered a silent prayer of gratitude, “Father, I am thankful to be here. I am thankful for the beauty in my life. I am thankful that I can feel the fresh air on my face and thankful to be safe!” The days that I spent in a county jail naked, cold, and alone took me to a place mentally that only the power of God and his Angels could pull me out of. I paced around that tiny cement box for days, I was humiliated, sick and not sure if it would ever end. I was quite certain the government was trying to kill me or that I had lost my mind and killed someone. Those were the only two scenario’s that I could imagine would have put me in the condition I was in. My sweet husband and our oldest son Jace came to see me at the county jail and were allowed to visit me via a video monitor. I was wrapped in a towel and otherwise completely naked. I was unable to communicate or make eye contact and completely traumatized! Chad described his absolute powerlessness to help me. He said,
“You were so vulnerable, I didn’t think you would ever be okay after the abuse you were suffering.”
I had been held in that terrible place that I clearly remember as the M2 medical cell where I was held for days. I was tortured and eventually lost my mind there. Because of the severity of the treatment that I received, I believed men were trying to rape me or kill me and fought to protect myself and begged for clothing, any clothing. When I finally arrived at the facility that did the mental evaluation I was battered and bruised, I still have a scar around my eye that looks like a permanent black eye. I don’t want to linger too long in a place that holds such traumatic memories, only to share how I was rescued.
Several days into this hell, I cried out to my Father in Heaven for help. My blood pressure was high, I was sick and dehydrated and could not go on! I had been singing the primary song “A Childs Prayer” for days while I paced and begged for help. That night I felt my husbands grandmother with me in the cell, A warm comforting spirit filled the cold cement room and I heard the song “A Childs Prayer” as though it was sung by angels. The cell became warm and bright and I could feel the music like a vibration through my body. I didn’t want it to leave and I honestly don’t remember how long I felt it or when it ended. My next memory is too traumatic to share but I do remember Chad came to see me shortly after his Grand Mother passed away and when he told me she was gone I told him I already knew she had died because she came to see me in a dream.
I keep a picture of Chad’s grandparents in my cell now. It was taken with our family in front of the Mount Timpanogos Temple the day we were sealed together as a family for time and all eternity. It is taped on a quote that a friend sent to me that I read several times a day because it reminds me of his Grandmother. Chad’s grandparents are hero’s in the highest degree, they lived simple lives always abounding in good works. They raised an amazing family! They were God fearing people and lived the gospel in word and deed. The quote is by Mother Teresa and reads.
“People are often unreasonable and self-centered. Forgive them anyway. If you are kind, people may accuse you of ulterior motives. Be kind anyway. If you are honest, people may cheat you. Be honest anyway. If you find happiness, people may be jealous. Be happy anyway. The good you do today may be forgotten tomorrow. Do good anyway. Give the world the best you have and it may never be enough. Give your best anyway. For you see, in the end, it is between you and God. It was never between you and them anyway.”
I love that quote and cherish the sacred experiences I am having in Federal Prison today, I feel blessed among women and know that I am protected and loved by a loving Father in Heaven.